Ridiculous

In the middle of the night
A pain
Undescribable and yet i try to define it
Catching my eyes, flowing my throat, reaching my heart
Oh how heavy are they!
They are his. He loves them
He does not miss to bring them in
Those two little torches of my soul
A violent sentiment of disgust takes possession of my sleep
Prevents me to love and my heart gives in
In submission
I look for that love. That passion he had for me
That which enjoined him from seeing anything else than mine
It turned me ridiculous.

My friend

How would I ever imagine I would meet you one day
But since then I see life in a different way
Because you are always there for me, ready to listen
I have searched for one like you often
Now I feel secured having a friend like you
And i feel there is someone somewhere thinking of me and loving me too
I cherish this relation, it is a dear one for me
I believe in it to be one that lasts for eternity

I felt I needed to reflect.

I felt I needed to reflect.
And so in my room I sat on my bed and started writing this instead.
It was for me the way to ease off that feeling I could not understand. Or probably I was afraid to realise the turmoil occuring within myself. It is like somewhere I know what I feel bt I also don't know.
I always see in others that which would probably be in me too. I am here talking about the bad things. Like drivelling.
I feel so confused. I think of myself. Of my past. My present. I would so much like to know my future but then what? Life would not be as exciting and meaningful and mysterious if I was to know everything about it.
So at least I know I am waitng for the unknown to be known in its own time. Yes. Time...
But what about my past? All that happened to me. All that which marked me. A scar lies somewhere in me. Incurable. No. Time cures everything. Except memories. Happiness is a bad memory. But am I not happy now?
I don't know. But i don't complain. What happen to me are God's will and my fate. I believe in fate. Strongly.
Sometimes i don't know what I want in life. Where am I heading?
I'm afraid. I'm strong but so weak.
So finally I've not been reflecting. I've been writing. I've been writing this to find that in me is something more than sadness, regrets, confusion. A pain. Deep inside myself. It's...it's a pain.
Could this be the reason of my behaviour, my way of thinking or my way of talking? I don't know.
I just feel it there and i feel I can't have it out. Is a pain not also a joy?
I feel it somehow like that.
But what about that confusion that haunts me. To whom am I going to talk. I don't feel I can since I am confused. Where will I start. What will I say. It's just like I am silenced. Yes just like I am tongue-tied. But...Silenced by what?
This is my pain. No. Partly. My confusion. My utter confusion.
Now...What would be or could be my pain in a whole?...
Even I feel I am confused whether I am confused or not...About what?...
Why did it happen to me...
But...WHAT happened to me precisely?...